Today’s Joke

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She

asked, ‘What’s on TV?’

I said, ‘Dust.’

And then the fight started> …>

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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She

said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds..’

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started> …>

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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace

expensive… so, I took her to a gas station…

And then the fight started….

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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social

Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to

verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come

back later.

The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing

my curly silver hair..

She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and

she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social

Security office.

She said, ‘you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten

disability, too.’

And then the fight started…

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept

staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a

nearby table.

My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’

‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she

took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she

hasn’t been sober since.’

‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on

celebrating that long?’

And then the fight started…

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I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and

slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get

soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it… he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, ‘I AM NOT

HAPPY!’

So, I looked down at him and said, ‘Well, then which one are you?’

And then the fight started…

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a
masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the
stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the
bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two
healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room
in tears.

‘What’s wrong?’ asked the mother. ‘I was taking a tinkle and this
bullet came out,’ replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years
ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears.
‘Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.’

Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16
years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears.
‘It’s okay’ said the Mom, ‘I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came
out.’

‘No,’ said the boy, ‘I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.’

A little Italian boy enters the confessional. “Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.”

The priest asks, “Is that you, little Joey Pagano?”

“Yes, Father, it is.”

“And who was the girl you were with?”

“I can’t tell you, Father, I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”

“Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now.

Was it Tina Minetti?”

“I cannot say.”

“Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?”
“I’ll never tell.”

“Was it Nina Capelli?”

“I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.”

“Was it Cathy Piriano?”
“My lips are sealed.”
“Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?”

“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”

The priest sighs in frustration. “You’re very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.”
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?”

“Four months vacation and five good leads!”